No, We Don’t Have To Forgive You

today.

we must

protect ourselves

from

our protectors.

citizens from officers

laypeople from scholars

children from parents

women from men

wives from husbands

husbands from wives

and

our souls        

from

ourselves.

—excerpt of even if. by Umm Zakiyyah

silhouette of flower clip art

The other day I read this post online, and it immediately hit my heart: Sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty about the things they did to you.

These words are the sad refrain of the life of so many hurting souls. Whether they are suffering in silence due to private abuses, or they are suffering in public outrage—like so many Black Americans continuously do each day till now—after witnessing, yet again, another vicious assault on a Black life that someone with power and influence decided was meaningless; they are turned into criminals for no crime other than being the victim of a crime.

So, while our oppressors are taking our lives and burying our bodies, they are also trying to take our dignity and bury our honor too. Over and over, victims of vicious abuse and oppression are turned into criminals simply because it makes the oppressors and their supporters feel better about their crimes.

Turning Victims Into Criminals

So, after a girl is sexually abused by a trusted elder, she is accused of wanting it and bringing it on herself.

So, after a wife is verbally abused and beat down by her husband, she is accused of being a bad wife.

So, after a Black man is handcuffed and literally choked to death before it’s even clear what he’s being arrested for, he’s called a “dangerous criminal” who deserves to be killed.

So, after anyone—child or adult, man or woman—suffers any abuse or wrongdoing, they are told they are bad people who are cursed with “angry, bitter hearts” if they refuse to forgive the monsters who continuously seek to bury their bodies, honor, and dignity in this world.

Cowardice Under the Guise of Forgiveness

Today, in the toxic positivity of forced forgiveness culture, we’ve even made it a crime to choose justice and defending oneself over forgiving every single abuse or wrongdoing that happens to us. And in this sick ritual of turning dhulm (wrongdoing and oppression) into righteousness, we label as “evil” anyone who has enough self-respect and dignity to say, “Enough is enough.”

It’s much easier to convince someone they’re a bad person for not forgiving an oppressive wrong done to them—I wrote in my journal some time ago—than standing by their side in the fight against the oppressive wrong. In this, our claim that forgiveness will magically heal a person is really about our need to magically absolve ourselves of any responsibility in helping them oppose the wrong. Here is how cowardice is masked as piety, and how emotional manipulation is masked as wanting a person to have a heart free of anger and bitterness. So many of us would rather live in a world filled with evil and oppression than to have a single person alive who is angry enough—and brave enough—to stand up and demand that the oppression ends and that justice is served.

Not Forgiving Is Beautiful Too

As I mention in my blog, “The Beauty of Not Forgiving,” forgiving abuses and wrongdoing is a choice, not a religious obligation—and it’s certainly not the only path to emotional healing, or even world peace:

“Forgiveness is more for you than for your abuser,” we are told. And that’s true. But here’s what’s also true: Not forgiving is also more for you than for your abuser. When you make the healthy choice to not forgive because you trust in Allah’s justice, it’s more about your heart being at peace than it is about your abuser being punished. But forced forgiveness advocates want us to believe that the latter is not true healing. But both are healing.

You know what is not true healing? Feeling forced to forgive out of fear that your heart will never heal fully without it. That’s not healing. It’s emotional manipulation, and it needs to stop.

The beauty of forgiveness is in the free choice of forgiveness. That we can find emotional freedom without forgiveness, yet we still sometimes choose to forgive is remarkable and beautiful. But so is finding emotional freedom in trusting that you will be rewarded for your suffering in ways that only God can bestow.

In forced forgiveness culture, we are guilted into forgiving abusers and oppressors by being taught that healing is impossible without forgiveness. We are taught that our hearts will be trapped in resentment, anger, and bitterness if we don’t forgive. This is completely untrue.

Even amongst those who don’t believe in God at all, there are many who have found their own healing through not forgiving, and it has absolutely nothing to do with them holding on to anger and bitterness. The reason they have found their internal peace this way is because they have tapped into that part of the human heart and spirit that seeks balance through justice instead of absolution.

Healing with a Healthy Heart

In a healthy human heart, both types of healing are necessary: forgiving and seeking justice. Yes, as a general rule, forgiveness is the preferred path of internal peace. However, it is not the only path to internal peace. It is not even the only path to external peace.

Just as we keep the external world in balance by generally forgiving things that anger and upset us daily, we keep our internal world in balance by generally forgiving things that anger and upset us daily. And just as we sometimes have to stand up against wrong in the external world and demand that justice is done if we are to have peace on earth, we sometimes have to patiently trust in God’s justice when we have suffered vicious wrongdoing—instead of choosing forgiveness—if we are to have peace in our hearts and souls.

Anyone grounded in a holistic study of the human experience knows that both choosing forgiveness and seeking justice represent balanced healing and internal peace. At times the best and most healing option is choosing forgiveness. At others the best and most healing option is choosing justice.

Similarly, any Muslim grounded in a holistic study of the prophetic example knows that both choosing forgiveness and seeking justice represent the balanced life that Allah showed us through His Messenger, peace be upon him. Yes, as a general rule, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) chose forgiveness and pardoning wrongdoing. However, when the greater harm would come to him and the believers through absolution, he chose justice and standing up against wrong.

Uncovering the Abuse of Forgiveness

It’s painful to listen to religious rhetoric that eagerly praises forgiveness but denies and buries the parts of our faith that require standing up against oppression and wrongdoing. And to make matters worse, many of these people go as far as to continuously blame and humiliate victims who’ve chosen not to forgive their abuser.

I discuss this religious dishonesty in the following excerpt from my book, The Abuse of Forgiveness: Manipulation and Harm in the Name of Emotional Healing.

So the question here isn’t really about God loving forgiveness. Rather, the question is about whether or not we—the judgmental outsiders (even if we happen to be survivors)—accept that God also loves justice.

The question is also about whether or not we sincerely accept that God supports whatever decision victims of wrongdoing make in addressing what happened to them, so long as they don’t violate anyone’s rights in the process.

In forced forgiveness culture, the answer is no to both of these questions: No, we don’t accept that God loves justice, and no, we don’t accept that God supports victims’ right to choice. Yes, many of us give lip service to acknowledging this. But the words are like a dismissive wave of the hand before we get right back to guilting survivors of abuse into doing what we say they must, God’s teachings be damned.

Ironically, in this forced forgiveness approach, it is we ourselves who are in danger of falling into sin and wrongdoing. And this danger is much more imminent than the hypothetical possibility of a survivor’s heart being filled with anger and bitterness if they don’t forgive. However, we are too busy imagining that we know better than everyone else, God included, to even perceive the looming harm hanging over our own hearts and souls.

True Believers Choose Forgiveness and Self-Respect

In Islamic tradition, there are many places in the Qur’an in which God describes the traits of sincere believers. In one part, He prefaces this description with a reminder of the nature of the things humans enjoy in this worldly life. He says what has been translated to mean:

“So whatever you have been given is but a passing enjoyment for this worldly life, but that which is with Allah (i.e. Paradise) is better and more lasting for those who believe and put their trust in their Lord” (Ash-Shooraa, 42:36).

Given that several verses that follow address both forgiveness and wrongdoing, this introduction is quite profound in that it reminds every person, regardless of circumstance, the nature of this transient world and how we should understand our experiences in it. This allows the reader to put his or her mind in the right place before even processing the traits of the sincere believers who will be in Paradise. God goes on to list several traits of these believers:

“And those who avoid the greater sins and immoralities, and when they are angry, they forgive. And those who have responded to [the call of] their Lord and establish the Salaah (obligatory prayer), and who [conduct] their affairs by mutual consultation, and who spend out of what We have bestowed on them” (Ash-Shooraa, 42:37-38).

For those involved in forced forgiveness, they would read this description and immediately think, See! This is what I’m talking about. God says that true believers forgive wrongs! So what’s going on with all these angry, bitter people refusing to forgive those who wronged them? However, in this description of those who forgive, God didn’t mention wrongdoing at all. He mentioned only that they are angry. He doesn’t even mention why they are angry. Yes, wrongdoing is certainly implied in the verse, but it is not mentioned specifically. This is no small point.

Some people might say that this wording is merely a technicality, and that I’m being nitpicky in even pointing it out. Thus, they argue that this wording has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that everyone should forgive, no matter what abuse, oppression, or wrongdoing they suffered. However, when we say this, what we fail to realize is that not only is the emphasis on anger quite significant; it is also the point, as the verses that follow make undeniably clear.

Before quoting the verses about wrongdoing, I think it is important to mention how we should understand the wording of things in the Qur’an, especially when the same topic is addressed more than once in the same context. Generally, whenever a topic is discussed more than once and in some detail, what is and is not mentioned in each context points to important traits we are to focus on in understanding them. In some cases, these important traits are found in contexts outside the Qur’an, such as in the reason for revelation and in the prophetic example. However, in this case, the important traits are mentioned quite clearly in the verses themselves.

In the above context, when forgiveness is mentioned as the immediate response, the emphasis is on the fact that the person is angry, not that he or she has been wronged. The profound wisdom in this emphasis cannot be overstated.

In our daily lives, there are many things that anger us: A friend refuses to speak to us, and we have no idea why. Someone is late picking us up to an important appointment. A business partner agreed to do something then dropped out at the last minute. A person cuts us off in traffic or quickly steals our parking space. Our husband or wife is focused more on their smartphone or career than on us. And the list goes on.

What Lesson Is God Teaching Us?

One lesson we can glean is this: When facing day-to-day things that incite anger, for the sincere believer, the default response is that of forgiveness. By praising this trait in His servants, God lets us know that our daily behavior should foster environments of peace, understanding, and empathy instead of hostility and retaliation. No one is perfect. Thus, from time to time, we’ll all be insensitive, unreliable, and even flat out wrong, thereby inciting justifiable anger in others. However, as a general rule, it is in everyone’s best interests to be forgiving and merciful in these circumstances. Otherwise, the world would be full of quarrelsome, vengeful people who feel justified in avenging even the slightest offense.

This is not to say that none of the scenarios I listed are sometimes more serious than they initially appear, or even that we have to forgive these scenarios every single time. I give these examples only to make the point that what is being described in the Qur’an is the fact that sincere believers—those endowed with authentic spirituality—have a forgiving nature. And this nature is manifested most when they are justifiably angry yet still choose to forgive.

However, when an egregious wrongdoing has occurred, the emphasis is no longer on forgiveness; it is on justice. In this case, the sincere believers are described as follows: “And those who, when an oppressive wrong is done to them, they help and defend themselves” (Ash-Shooraa, 42:39).

In the verse that follows, it is only after it is explained that the retribution should fit the crime that the option to forgive is mentioned:

“The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto [in degree]. But if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah. Verily, He loves not the wrongdoers” (42:40).

Interestingly, God does not stop here in discussing the rights of those who have been wronged. He goes on to let victims know that not only do they have full right to not forgive, but also, should they exercise that right, no one has the right to blame them in any way. He says:

“But if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong [done] to them, against such there is no cause of blame. The blame is only against those who oppress people and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land, defying right and justice. For such there will be a penalty grievous” (42:41-42).

Here is where seeing and understanding the original Arabic would be tremendously helpful in comprehending the powerful message being conveyed here. However, to get a glimpse of the deeper meaning, I offer this explanation: What is being translated as “there is no cause of blame” (i.e. against the victim who decides to not forgive), a more literal translation would be “there is no path, road, or means [that can be taken] against them.” By using the Arabic word sabeel—which is translated as cause above but has the literal meaning of way, path, or road—God is shutting down every possible justification anyone can use to criticize, blame, or harm a victim who chooses to not forgive.

It’s Sinful To Blame Victims for Not Forgiving

In other words, when we reflect on the above divine verses of Qur’an, it doesn’t matter whether our justification of blame, criticism, or harm is rooted in good intentions or not, if it is directed at the victim of wrongdoing, God simply does not allow it. If we do take this pathway of blame, then we are the ones who are wrong.

Even if we are simply perplexed or sincerely disappointed at their choice to not forgive, once they make their decision, we have no right to express disappointment or criticism, as this expression itself can be a sabeel (a pathway of blame) against them—no matter how harmless, innocent, or well meaning it appears to us.

After God makes this point crystal clear, He then effectively tells us: If you still feel in your heart or mind any inclination to criticize, blame, or express disappointment toward anyone as a result of this circumstance [which resulted in the victim not forgiving], then shift all of your attention back to the one who started this whole problem in the first place: the abuser, wrongdoer, or oppressor: “…The blame is only against those who oppress people and insolently transgress beyond bounds through the land, defying right and justice.”

Only after God establishes beyond a shadow of a doubt the victim’s full right to choice—and the prohibition of any form of blame or harm against them as a result of their choice—does He return to the topic of forgiveness.

Read the book The Abuse of Forgiveness

Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of more than twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl, and His Other Wife. She recently launched her “Choosing To Love Alone” series via UZuniversity.com to support struggling believers seeking to nourish their emotional and spiritual health.

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