“On the Day you shall see the believing men and the believing women their light running forward before them and by their right hands. [Their greeting will be]: ‘Glad tidings for you this Day! Gardens under which rivers flow (Paradise), to dwell therein forever! Truly, this is the great success!’”
—Qur’an (Al-Hadeed, 57:12)
Today I feel more peace in my heart.
More calm and less hurt.
And I’m grateful for that.
Today I feel my heart finding peace in the presence of itself instead of restlessly seeking to connect with those who cannot nourish its deepest needs.
Today I feel my heart finding peace in the presence of its Rabb instead of reaching for validation from those who are as spiritually helpless and needy as my own struggling soul—even if they are unaware of this fragility of their heart.
Today I find my heart more willing to say, “I’m sorry” if it’s done something wrong, without anxiously awaiting how the other person receives my words. I’m okay with owning my part in whatever has gone wrong, without distressing, wondering if the other person, too, understands what they’ve done wrong.
Today I understand that even if someone never forgives me for hurting them (even I sincerely didn’t mean to), the salvation of my soul does not rest in their hands.
Even if the worst should happen—and I meet them on the Day of Judgment and they take from my good deeds—I now know that my sincerity of worship, my humility in seeking forgiveness, and my daily striving to do good deeds can make up for all of that.
Yes. Because the Mercy of my Rabb is so immeasurably vast that His Love of me alone can earn me such a multitude of good deeds that even the “loss” of handing over some of them to another soul might not lighten my Scale by much.
And we can both enter the gates of Paradise without any hurt or resentment in our hearts.
Today this is what I understand of the Mercy, Forgiveness, and Compassion of Al-‘Afuw (the Pardoner and Forgiver).
So I find peace in doing the best I can, in crying out my heart to Him, in handing over my troubles to Him, and striving my level best to not only never trivialize my own faults and sins—but to also never (even more so) trivialize His Mercy, Forgiveness, and Compassion.
Because I know that this tremendous Gift from my Rabb is not only for the “perfect Muslims” of whom I fear I will never be, but also for my own imperfect, flawed and troubled soul, too.
Today, I also find my heart no longer seeking apologies from those who have hurt me deeply. I now know they have their journey in this world, as I have mine, and neither is dependent upon the other.
Today my heart understands that my healing and wholeness do not rest in the self-honesty (or lack thereof) of someone else’s troubled soul.
And today I am no longer seeking anyone’s permission, approval or forgiveness for choosing me.
So I feel no inclination to compare my wounds to someone else’s, to claim I’ve hurt more, or to convince the world that my wounds matter too.
Because as I sit in the presence of my heart and its Rabb, I already know with surety that this struggling soul matters too, even if no one in the world sees its silent striving for emotional wellness and spiritual peace.
In this quiet time with my soul, I find a heart more willing to accept that it’s okay to walk the path of emotional growth and healing alone.
It’s okay to speak and have no human soul listen or understand.
It’s okay to cry upon the path of spiritual struggle and have no human soul wipe away the tears.
Because today, I am finding peace in being alone, but in the company of my Lord.
This is sabr. This is shukr. This is tawakkul.
And I’m here for it, yaa Rabb.
So I beg Your assistance in never allowing my trials with Your creation—or within myself—to detract me from choosing the pleasure and company of You and You alone.
In this course Come Back To Allah, Dear Soul, our struggling souls are offered support in drawing closer to Allah in our Salaah (five foundational prayers).
So many of us struggle in our Salaah, whether our hearts feel distracted or empty, or we regularly neglect or delay our prayers. In this course, our hearts are reminded of the soul-nourishing connection between us and our Merciful Creator and of the weightiness of Salaah in our lives and souls—even when we are in the midst of emotional pain and confusion and feel “too weak” to pray.
We are also reminded to guard our hearts from “compassionate” messages that make us feel comfortable neglecting the Salaah during times of difficulty, under the assumption that we’ll build up to all five prayers “one day.” In this course we are reminded that, Salaah is the spiritual lifeline between us and our Creator, even when our hearts feel distant from Allah and our emotional pain overwhelms us.
Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of more than twenty books, including the If I Should Speak trilogy, Muslim Girl, and His Other Wife. She recently launched her “Choosing To Love Alone” series via UZuniversity.com to support struggling believers seeking to nourish their emotional and spiritual health.
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